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Friday, November 30th, 2007
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I love working at Fioza. It is wonderful. It is so laid back. I love it. I am still cleanign pools once a week. School has been ok. I am glad that it will be over in two weeks though. I think I am doing all right in my classes I know that I am going to get at least one A. The other two classes may either be two B's or two C's.
I am sorry to everyone that I haven't been social with in awhile. I am sorry. things have just been a little odd i guess.
I miss Sid. He joined the navy. He leaves in January and I am very sad. I mean I knwo that he doesnt think very highly of me or anything but I am concerned and I think that this is a wonderful oppurtunity for him and I think that he is going to enjoy it so much, but I am going to miss him more thne I already do. I hope that it makes him happy.
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Wednesday, October 17th, 2007
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ive been doing a lot of thinking lately a lot of thinking. its been nice. I've come to the conclusion that I feel much better with certain people out of my life. I was thinking about everything that has happened since i graduated and i realized that I have grown and that I'm different then I was then. I am glad that this past year has happened. Things have happened some good some bad. I don't regret any of the things that have happened they have allowed me to do some introspective thinking. I am happy with the people that are in my life and that I have chosen to surround myself with. I am a much happier person then I was a year ago. I don't hold as much sadness and such. I think that if you haven't talked to me in awhile and were thinking about it you should because I am a wonderful person with wonderful ideas and a great amount of affection and kindness to share with the world. I want the world to be a better place for me and my people I want us to make it a better place. no I'm not going to lobby politicans and trying to get huge changes done but I don't think that is what it is really about. I think it's about not hating oen another and learning that everyone must cohabitate and so we have to work together to get things done. When I finish nursing school if that is what I end up doing I want to go to places that really need me. I don't really care if I will never be able to give blood again but I want to help people who do not have the menas to help themselves. I was thinking the other day if I don't make it in nursing then I would teach. I would love to work with children and help them learn to teach them things to teach them how to be with others. Seeing the light bulb go off in their minds and seeing the look on their face when they knwo they can do something is one of the most amazing feelings in all of the world. I want to work with children more then anything ever. I figure if you want to make a change start with the ones who are still able to be molded and help them form better opinons then their parents. don't go after the ones who have held the same beliefs a;lll of their lives. I mean do you really think that they are going to change their minds now? There are so many many wonderful things I have to share with you. I want to fly to other places and learn from them and live with them and then come to the same conclusion that I've always held. if youa re happy with someone or with something why do you need to change it. yes of course there could and probably is something better out there for you btu you found something that will help make this one single life that you have a little happier for right now.
I miss drew an awful lot. I know he will be bakc in liek two months bvut he is one of my closest friends and I miss him. I tlak to him more then I talk to some of my friends that are in town. isn't that a little sad. oh well.
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Wednesday, October 3rd, 2007
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i dont remember when the last time posted was i know it wasnt too long ago, but anyway well lets recap school is going pretty well so far i have to admit i got a 94 on my first human sexuality test and an 80 on my first bio test. i have my first history test today and my first a and p test next week im kind of exicted so that way i can kind of know where i stand in all of my classes.
i am done with lifeguarding for this season so that is exicitng.
im in love with my ipod. i can say that because its a passionate love that i know will fade in the next week or so.
goodness gracious we should all sing songs and be happy.
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Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
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| Time: | 8:24 am. |
| Mood: |  chipper. |
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melissa and i saw the new halloween last night. it was pretty jumpy i have to admit. i knwo i was scared even though i knew who was goign to die it didn't make it any less scary. someone please tell why people run up stairs when they coudl be running out the front door. i guess i just don't understand. this weekend was pretty cool fridya ngiht i saw salome and sarah and melissa and it was funt hen saturday and sundya i jsut worked yay money since friday is pay day.
i think tongiht im goign to do lots of cleanign and studying since thursday is test day.
everyone that has a test this week i wish you tons and tons of luck.
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Thursday, September 13th, 2007
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well since its been like a million years since i posted i got in a crazy mood to post today. well im back in houston i hang out with salome a lot and i adore it. im completely in love with my new tea place they make really good coffee.
i watched 200 cigarettes yesterday i think i liked it alot. actually i did. i have been reading more kurt vonnegut lately and i thourghly enjoy it.
school is ok i guess its kind of boring. i like my history class and my biology class but my human sexuality class bores me. i got to see earnie banks in concert again at rice lats weekend and they were absolutely wonderful.
my brain is in thirty places all at once.
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Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
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I offically reapplied to cornell today.I'm a little nervous. ok well a lot nervous.
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Saturday, April 21st, 2007
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well in the last 21 days everything has fallen apart. I really mean this I am not exahgerating at all. It has gotten to the point that I don't know what I am doing or what I shoudl do anymore. I feel so incerdibly alone it isn't even funny. I feel like an idiot. I feel lost and horribel adn all of these other negetive things. Right before all of this happebneed I was begining to think that everythign was getting better and that things woudl be better but righ tnwo I cant get myself to see the silver lining. I mean I so amazingly completely looking foawrd to be in going to Houston in 20 days I'm counting down and I am so happy that I will be staying with Patrick and seeing Drew and Zach and anyone else that I can. It is so hard to think abotu how much has changed in the past year. It really is an inceridable thing. A year ago Iw as thinking abotu my grandfatehr and Norbert how they were both sick and how much it sucked. I was getting more and more ancy abotu graduation, prom , and exhibtion. And I was trying so hard to keep whatever little bit of hold i had on Sid. Sid and I started dating agian and we were thinking marriage and so ready to eb commited to one another forver btu then no. Well now I can't go back to my home in Housotn anymore unless I stop being friends with Patrick. Sid has a new girlfriend and is deciding where he wants to go to school next year and is thinking about UTSA so that way he can be close to home and close to his girlfriend. My grandfather passed away almost exactly a year agoa and I miss him. Norbert is getting amazingly better nad I'nm so very very very happy abotu that. I completely lost my drie to do much of anything. I am extremely depressed and I don't knwo what I'm doing. I don't really wnat to be in El Paso anymore but I don't have anywhere else to go. Well I guess I do but I don't think I can do that right now. I relaly have no idea what happebned nad how all of this happened. I think lies are the most useless horrible thigns ever. I will not lie anymore I don't care what it is abotu or who it is to but I can't do that anymore. I will be a com,pletely honest person from now on and then mayeb things will be a little better.
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Saturday, March 24th, 2007
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the past couple fo weeks days whatever have been super duper busy. i had to buy a whoel new book o stamps becuase i have written so many letters. i havent sent them yet i think ill wait till monday but the point is i wrote them i jsut need to ut them in the mail box i guess.
i am starting to feel a million times better abotu el paos and stuff. i mean i finally have a friend i am so excited abotu thtat shes super cool. plus im gettign settled i guess i mean i work all of the time so thats nice because it allows me to keep busy and stuff, but my ability to flal asleep ahs still nto returned but thats k hopefully that will get better.
i have deicded that i dont need to have anyoen aprove of what im doign right now or really their reconginition on my relaitionships im happy and thats what is important. i don't really want thigns to change i guess.
i ant wait to get home and may and hopefully things wiht my mom will have settled and i will be nice to be in hosuton.
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oh dear well i went hoem a week ago todya in other words i went home last thursdya for as much time as work would let me have off. it was really really nice. i got to see everyone that I could think to see. I issed housotn adn these people so very much. i really dont kwno what i want to do abotu next semester right now. i mean i guess im gettign settled here, but housotn is my hoem and i would really like to be there next year, but i dont knwo i really need soemone to help me wiht this. anyway, back to my whoel i got to go hoem for five days thing. well i got to see norbert oh my goodness he looks wonderful. i cant wait to get home in june and see him agian. i cant wait to be hoem agian. it is relaly lonely out here. anyway agian back to houston. it was grand and great and i almost forgot how much i missed drew and zach. they are such good people and such wodnerful friends. im tired btu i cant sleep. when i got back to el paso i had to take a taxi to the hospital and meet my aunt then go to work yay fun. and that is what i have been doing since.
i made a friend here! yay!! i knwo i know how sad that sounds and it has taken me a really long time but shes relaly nice and shes uber cool.
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Thursday, March 8th, 2007
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| Time: | 1:19 am. |
| Mood: | excited. |
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I was reading over old postings that i have done and i noticed that i am always very evasive abotu what i am tlakign about. i talk in code basiclaly to myself and two other people, btu that is goign to change becuase what good does it do me to do that becuase if i go six months from now and waht to look back to what i wrote today or yesetrday or whenever i probabnly wont have any idea what i was tlaking abotu. after reading salome's post it really got me thinking I have been thinking the same thing for awhile now nad it isnt any good. I do have a written down journal but it is very sparatic as to when i write in i btu i do have one so one day peopole will know part of what i did. salome i know you will read this so fyi no one could forget you are you kidding you are grand beyond an ice cream stand. I hav always been afriad to post things here because I have always been afriad of who reads this but its ok. from now on i am goign to write exactly what im tlakign abotu when i should.
i have decided that i want to make things right with people that i have been not too good to lately well this semester. this semester has been so crazy and weird and horrible and all of those other negitive words that one can use to describe somehing. i am sorry. that is all i can and all i can do wiat no thats not true i can starti makign things better or at least try to.
i found out today that one of the little boys that was in my cabin at camp star trails passed away within the last couple of days. he was seven. his name was ronald. he was so cute. he did this litlte dance and sucked his thumb and would hold your hand. he liked me a lot he was always near me and at first he scared me a little bit becuase he looked like a mini man he looked kind of liek a black version of the dnacing baby from ally mcbeal i mean that in the best possible way. he was so absolutely adorable. he was hte smalelst boy in our cabin and he was just grat he slept in the bed across from me and woudl wake me up when he neeed soemthing. i am so sad that i wont get to see him next year at camp. i really am it hasnt relalay hit me yet
i fly hoem tomorrow! I am so very excited. I will be there til lunch time on tuesday. I want to see everyoen that I can during this time period.
I am sorry to anyone that reads this becuase I never use puncuation correctly, I never check my spelling and I knwo thta there are a million typos, but that is ok because I think my journal is underdstandable. Salome as soon as I get back from Houston I am goign to mail you a letter that way when ou get back to vasser you will have something waiting for you.
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Tuesday, February 27th, 2007
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it is so much easier for me to vent all of my frustrations here because i knwo that only a few people actually read this thing and thats fine by me.
ok so first of all ballet freaks em out. I mena its nto difficult but i basically have a panic attack right before every class and last week i didnt go to one because i was so freaked out. I freak out because i have very very serious body image issues and going into a room with 32 other people in nothing but a leotard and tights is extremely difficult for me liek you dont understand. well maybe some of you do btu most of you dont. it really freaks me out i mean i have difficulty breahting i get really dizzy i feel really sick to my stomach and it sucks i really want to drop the class but two thigns one if i do that i think my parents will be relaly pissed at me and two if i do that i will only be taking 6 hours i knwo i know thats horrible but i mena i dont knwo what else to do i cant keep doing this every tuesday adn thursday, it is startign to relaly bother me but i am going ot talk to the professor and hten my parents but i dont really knwo what else to do you know?
I got an 81 on my psych test. I thought I did a lot better btu it was one of the highest grades in the class so thats good right?
i thought so but oh well.
ok so to the point of this whoel thing i have deicded tht iw ill drop ballet and that being emotional most of the time isnt health and not very good for you anyway so im excited abotu coming home but i havent relally tlaked much to you since that whatever it was whichi is okweird but ok but maybe it is because it ry to tlak to you and its nto ok fo rme to try whatever that means but thats ok i guess i mean iguess i will find out when i coe home as to how things work right. i dont really have very high expectations in you btu i kind of have always thought tha tkeeping your expectations low that way if the worse happens you were ready for it and then if somethign better happens then yay you feel amazing and it makes it so much better
sometimes i really think that was the beinging of somethign good btu then i think that maybeit really wasnt i think what it really was was the begining of the end in a lot of ways. your silence speaks so much louder than any word you could really say to me. the song secret heart makes me think of you which is kind of odd btu oh well it does it hink it fits you well. anyway i do miss you by the way. you make me happy too. sometimes i wish i coudl make you happy but im not going ot try anymore.
salome how abotu the 13th and 14th of april??????
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Monday, February 26th, 2007
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i am about to walk to work. It it is such a lovely day otu today. I don't realy mind walkign it lets em jsut be wiht em and think and be outside it's nice. Don't worry those of you who would. I will be carrying the stick that PAtrick gave em so that way if anything happens at least I will have a pretty stick.
I think some thigns and some people are slowly but sruely drifting out of my life. I mean yeah it sucks but its what happens right I mena you cant stay friends with eveyrone forevr things just dont work liek that. I have become mroe accpeting of certain things lately and realized that I need not to worry abotu every litltle thing all of the time I need to look at the big picture and let things be. That is what i am going ot start doign.
I will got a ll of my classes tomorrow every single one even the one i haven;t been to in month oops I know oh well I think I can fix it. I have just been in suh a rut lately.
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Saturday, February 24th, 2007
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i really like working it makes tiem go by and i make money i can work 9 hours and it feel like nothing.
i fianlly posted the pictuers form the ranch party form my birthdya on my facebook i know i know almosrt two months later but i did it right
i have this song by regina spektor stunk in my ehad but i cant tell you which one it is because abotu tweleve of her songs start the same they just chage octaves and such.
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Friday, February 23rd, 2007
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I lost my little prince wallet. I am so super duper sad abotu it. I understand that it had my credit cards my debit cards my drivers license and all my ids btu it had a lot more sentimental value then monetary. I am so super sad.
on a happy note I know that I did wonderfully on my psychology test yesterday I jsut know it. I also moved up at work I no longer bag groceries I am a cahsier. Yay! I enjoy my job. It breaks up all of the extra tiem I had and plus I get paid. I only work three days a week and I get paid every week which I find a bit odd btu thats ok I still work almost thirty hours a week.
I am only goign to be in Housotn from March 9th through the 12th. Those are the only days that I could really get off from work.
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Monday, February 19th, 2007
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ok so i offically think that i am loosing my mind. I don't really know what is going on right now. I mean I see it but it doesn't make any sense. ok so I will explain and then you will see how out of my mind I am:
1) ok so the whole Patrick thign pissed em off. guys out there here are some generla rules do not tell a girl espeically one that you knwo likes you and you are kind of involved with that you love them. It isn't the nicest thing to do because you don't really mean it the way that it is understood. be very clear abotu hwo you feel for soemone. and don't be a jerk about the whole thing.
2) school is driving em crazy. I need to do well but aparently I'm nto because I'm an idiot. I am messing myself up and setting myself up for failure.
3) my mommy and mrs nancy just left tog o back to houston and I oh so badly wnated to go with them.
4) I am finally comign to terms with my issues abotu my body and more or less admitting to them.
I don't know just all of these thigns have happend within the i dontknwo mayeb the last weeke or two and jsut taken a lot out of me I feel sick most of the tiem, btu at least I am workign and that gets my mind off of thigns and i am makign money. I don't know I am not really focusing right now and I don;t know what to do to help myself. oy I am getting frstrated just in general wiht the sitituation adn so now i am trying ot fix it and i dont relaly know if it i going so welll.
this entry in general is angry adn kind of depressed which isnt ok and not really how i feel right now but that is ok bnecuase i am trying to fix the problems that are causign this so hopefully things will get better.
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Friday, February 16th, 2007
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| Time: | 2:37 pm. |
| Mood: |  pissed off. |
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I got a job!! yay for me. I'm so excited now that means that I will be making money and since I don't have any friends out here and I don't have anythign to do well then I will be actually savign my money yay! this is great. I went to class the other day everybody that doesn't knwo but that is a really big deal I am so proud of myself you really have no idea. I am so pissed off right now I mean just in general. I have one of my killer headaches that wants me to die and I am abotu to go to work yay but then the whole this mornign thing how dare you. you really aren't worth all fo this and I'm tired of it whatever is all I have to say about you. You are a jerk the majority of the time and im tired of trying so hard and this is what I get how dare you even say it if you didnt mean it you jerk. I take it back I didn't mean it I don't even mean it the way you apparently you do you asshole. sorry everyone I'm pissed off and I need to vent.
This week sucked.
Why isn't there anything more important than anna nicole smith? I mena I'm sorry I don't liek it when anyone dies but come on now. There is a war goign on that our country shouldn't be involved in or let me rephrase that we are in a war WE shouldn't have started this country for the most part is a bunch of idiots. I'm sorry well mostly the people in power I have no faith in the system anymore.
I want to be doen with school. I want that peice of paper in my hand so I can start my nursing career and then start making money adn maybe find a husband and have children adn live my life I don't liek this funny stage right now at all.
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Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
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it kind of hailed todya btu i thought it was nsow so i got really excited.
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Tuesday, February 13th, 2007
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| Time: | 1:00 pm. |
| Mood: |  exhausted. |
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this weekend was nice. It was so wodnerul to see zach and drew ive missed them tons. you know having to say goodbye to people sucks especially if they arent family. there is deifntley a difference between saying goodbye to family and other people. you may care about both parties a lot but you knwo deep down that your family will be there forever and ever and ever, and the other party may not. I mean being with someone that makes you really ahppy is grand especially when things are nice. but at least when you ahve to leave they dont want you to leave and you two talk abotu how much fun it will be and the things you will do the next tiem you see one another. its very weird i guess going from being in the same city as people for forever and then movign away and still trying to keep thigns close to the way they were.
i was thinking abotu all of this while i was in the dallas airport talkign to patrick on the phone abotu anna nicole smith and the war and how horrible the governmetn is as a whole. i miss him. i miss his kittens they are so adorable and playful. he thinks im cute and he makes me happy. only eight more classes then i get to go back home and see him for almost two weeks!!
i think i have deicded that at the end of the semester i want to come home i dotn want to go to utep anymore. i think what i want to do is go to hcc and finish my pre reqs for nursign school then apply to the ut nursing school in hosuton. the only problem with that is i would have to go bck to living with my parents. i dont knwo i mena i love them to death its just htis whole we are still goign to treat you the same way that we are treatign your fourteen year old brother. I mena this weekend when i came home i had to be home by 10 on saturday ngiht 10 oclock thats outrageous. i mean come on. the horrible thigns that they porribily think i coudl be doing at midnight or 1 i can do at 10 or 8 i mean i thik its jsut a little much. i dont know though i hope tigns gt better i hope i can make it through this semster that woudl be great.
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Tuesday, February 6th, 2007
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| Time: | 11:50 pm. |
| Mood: | excited. |
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i made a bag a birtday card and finally finally i added my paris pictures and soem el paos pictures ot my facebook if oyu knwo it you hsouold go check them out . today was a pretty good day i am so ready to go home this weekend it will be grand.
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| Time: | 10:28 am. |
| Mood: | pissed off. |
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ok well basically forget mylost post because that isnt happeneing i am staying here and finishing the semester and the whatever becuase my mom doesnt understand what is wrong she doesnt understand what drives me to go back to houston rather then stay here or got o austn oh well im done fighting this. i just need to suck it up stop bitching and deal with it and finish becuase then i will be ok right? then i wont have to deal with this oy im so frustrated right nwo i cant eventput it into words i dotn think i can keep waiting to weeks to go see whoever this person is that is supposed to tell me what is wrong and all of that other bull crap i need to go to class study and pass my frekain test there now everyone can behappy!
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fishchick87's journal
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